Albert Barber
Some of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio. An oldie but a good chuckle!
Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator;
“This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator ?
“And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
“Ah, isn’t that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..”
US PGA Commentator:
“…One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them … Oh my god !! What have I just said?”
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed – and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked,
“So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’”
(Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!)
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
“Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on “Look North” said:
“There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. “
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
“Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
“They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
“Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
Alasdair Lawrance
Not to forget: “…The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey…”
Dave Mundy
Who could forget that one? I wonder if ‘Johners’ had planned it in advance of the event actually happening! A bit like the football results : ‘Forfar 4, Fife 5’.
Roger Bunce
Nah! It’s "Fife 4 – Forfar 5"
Of course, there’s Johnnie Cradock’s, "I hope your doughnuts look exactly like Fanny’s." (or something like that.)
Alasdair Lawrance
Still not right! It’s "East Fife 5, Forfar 4". Try it after a couple of pints of County.
Rex Palmer
As I remember it, it was even more of a tongue twister – “Forfar 5, East Fife 4”
Clifford White
I remember it as a spoof item on a BBC Radio comedy programme. I can’t remember which one – maybe "Round the Horne" or some such. But I do remember the comedian, in a broad scouse accent saying:
"And now for a latest score – East Fife 5, Forfar – so far – 4"
Robert Miles
The real story is here – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-23447439
Or is it?
Rex Palmer
I’m sorry to disagree with you Rob, in spite of your clip, but this infamous score line goes right back to the Lime Grove days and the much loved and highly respected Len Martin!
Peter Neill
Forty years before 2013 was 1973 and Len Martin had been using this inflexion long before that.
In the late 1960s he used to come off air in Studio E, having just read the final scores and rush down the stairs to G to do the opening announcement for “Dee Time”.
Neil Shand would be getting to the end of his warm-up and would ask Len to identify himself by reading some results. He would then get the audience to join in – guessing the score by Len’s inflection.
Finally, he would ask Len his nightmare result and Len would say, you’ve guessed it,
“Forfar 5-East Fife 4”
I believe at that time they weren’t even in the same division, so it couldn’t have happened (well, maybe in a cup tie).
Alasdair Lawrance, Graeme Wall
It’s a real shame if it never actually happened!
A bit like Barry Norman never actually said, "And why not?"
And Bogart never said “Play it again, Sam”.
John Howell
….but did someone really end a link into a boxing match with: "Your carpenter is Harry Commentator"?
Mike Giles
I rather think they did ~ Harry was certainly sometimes referred to as Harry Commentator over quite a long period.
Peter Cook, Dave Mundy
One famous Harry Carpenter tale originated when he wasn’t there. Some other commentator (Jim Rosenthal from ITV) was ringside and jumped up after a Frank Bruno victory to do an interview. Bruno looked past him and said, "Where’s ‘Arry"?
Geoff Fletcher, Pat Heigham
And of course, there was the other Test Match Special quote "Botham’s got his leg over!"
Here’s the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVTpX7LdZQ
Always worth listening to again!
Alasdair Lawrance
And James Naughtie did mis-speak when talking about Jeremy Hunt.
Roger Bunce
I remember Jack De Manio trying to say, "The Chief Constable of Kent", and getting as far as, "The Chief Kenstable of . . ." before correcting himself.
There are hundreds of "Colmanballs". These are worth quoting –
The top ten most embarrassing footballing gaffes of all time:
1. "If that had gone in, it would have been a goal." – David Coleman
2. "I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." – Ron Atkinson
3. "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are playing in yellow." – John Motson
4. "My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven." – David Beckham
5. "Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." – Steve Lomas
6. "They’re the second best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that." – Kevin Keegan
7. "Marseille needed to score first, and that never looked likely once Liverpool had taken the lead." – David Pleat
8. "If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent." – Bryan Robson
9. "If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." – Terry Venables
10. "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs …" – Andy Gray
One that sticks in my mind is –
"Here we are in the Holy City of Jerusalem – a Mecca for tourists."
Graeme Wall
Wasn’t there a snooker commentator who said “For those watching in black and white, the red ball is …”?
David Denness
It was actually Ted Lowe who said “…the red ball is behind the blue…” which makes perfect sense if you know anything about snooker.
Philip Tyler
There was one that tickled me this morning (25 April 2016) on the “Today” programme, from a football manger: “Apart from when they scored, we were in total control of the game.”
Peter Cook
A Brian Johnson tale, probably from his book, describes a scene when arriving jet lagged and late in Australia, he encountered a jobsworth immigration officer. Johners was nothing if not a seasoned traveller, but after all sorts of unnecessary questions including such as his ancestral family, he was finally asked "do you have a criminal record?" Exasperated he replied "Why? do you still need one to get into this godforsaken country?"
Geoff Fletcher
In a similar vein but not so illustrious, as it is only a little story about me
While at Anglia TV, having spent four months on a Unit Manager attachment, I returned to my crew somewhat rusty in my camera operating skills. First day back, I had a dodgy track/crab move taking a presenter around a desk and sitting him down while he prattled on to camera about antiques. I ran the ped into my foot somewhere along the way and there was a noticeable frame joggle on shot.
At the end of the take I pressed down my talkback key and uttered the immortal words, "Sorry about the jerk on 2!"
A weary voice from the gallery replied, "So are we Geoff, so are we!"
Needless to say, everybody fell about laughing.
Mike Giles
In the days when closing rollers were on paper and Jim Reside directed studio programmes, the closing sequence was being rehearsed for timing, including the roller caption, which as usual had the programme editor’s name as the last credit. Although there was a perfectly good cabled remote control for the caption machine, the operator chose to stop it on the Editor’s credit by rather roughly pushing the stop button on the side of the machine, with a consequent sideways wobble. Jim took great delight in saying to great effect on TB that the roller was fine for time, but could the operator please stop it without the little jerk at the end!
Great mirth ensued and the more cynical amongst us concluded that the roller operator had been briefed beforehand, otherwise, why didn’t he use the remote? A precious moment though!
Albert Barber
Working on “Heartbeat” for Yorkshire, I was on set and asked if a large porcelain monkey was cleared from the shot by saying "Could we clear the monkey?" To which the prop guy said, standing next to the nearby actor, " Which one do you mean?"
Chris Wickham
Working on “Grange Hill”, there was a lighting problem. The lighting director appeared on the floor and announced to the assembled cast and crew, “That red head must go, now!” A flame haired actress on the set was not amused.
Nick Ware
I wonder how many of you remember this?
Not funny, more awks (in yoof-speak).
Back in 1960 there was an assassination attempt on the then South African Prime Minister, Dr Hendrik Verwoerd. He was shot in the head at close range, the bullet entering through one ear and ricocheting around inside his skull. Amazingly, he survived, but it was touch and go for several days, during which there were frequent news updates on his condition. One report on BBC radio news said he was now on the way to recovery, but ended: "There will be another bulletin tomorrow".
